Long time, no see.

It's been a while since I posted, well over a year in fact, and indeed a lot has changed. Let me get you up to speed.

I believe I left this last summer, with me about to embark on a foundation art and design course at London College of Communication (LCC). What a bust! This course, unfortunately, just wasn't right. I don't like doing things that don't feel right.

I moved to London on Sunday the 6th September, into what appeared a grotty, old and not very well maintained student halls. The experience I had here was amazing and despite it's appearance was the best place, in my mind, to be. I don't want to cloud the main part of this post with boring/gory details about the many story lines or any unnecessary waffle about the people I met there, so I shall press ahead for now, but I may divulge later on.

From October to early December I was working at Debenhams on Oxford Street. I absolutely hated it. I have never felt more uncomfortable in work, I felt isolated and under-valued. This, I could not stand, and eventually, without looking back, I walked out.

What happened with my course, however, was a different matter. Foundation Art and Design at most institutions works in the same way, working with different disciplines, medium and technique, until you find what is right. At LCC they do things a little differently, 'because of class sizes you have to' choose a pathway at the very beginning and that's that. Fair enough, I thought, but what if I didn't like my pathway. Lo and behold, this is exactly what happened. My aim for the year, was to take enough way from the course to have a substantial portfolio and enough knowledge to ready me for a degree in Interior Decoration. The pathway was called 'Interior Design', but what they actually taught was 3D Spatial Design, and this is what the pathway eventually ended up calling itself.

Now, let my get one thing straight, I can not draw. Unfortunately, this is was a pathway relying heavily on this method of design. If I had chosen the photography pathway, I probably would have been able to not only pass the course, but probably receive a merit or distinction for my work.

I know that the last sentence makes me sound conceited, but I am good at photography, on the practical and theory side of things. I also very much enjoy photography, I just can't see a career in it. I need structure, routine and stability with a job, and unfortunately these three words do not link, or indeed have any relevance when talking about professional photographers, unless one mentions the like of Bailey, Leibovitz, Demarchelier, etc.

And so, in January of this year, I withdrew from the course. I regret not choosing photography at the beginning, but I do not regret my decision to leave. After leaving I spent the next six months, basically doing nothing. I did try to look for jobs, but nothing was pushing me to actually get one. I wasn't trying hard at all, I had three or four interviews in six months, all to no avail. Most days were spent on my own, either sitting around doing nothing or my occasional walks around different areas of London. The lack of something to do made my sleeping patterns erratic and unhealthy, spending some nights completely sleepless and the rest with probably less than four or five hours. I lost a lot of weight in this time, my mind steadily slipping away, old and scary thoughts drifting back into my head, calling me to the edge of things, the end of things, ending it. But, as ever, never showing it, my emotions, as anyone who knows will tell you, stay locked up. I do not like showing people weakness, years of being openly weak minded led to so much torment and bullying that I find it hard to talk to people about how I really feel anymore. This is probably the first time I am actually talking about how those six months of complete emptiness affected me. I love living in London, but, I actually do need to live to do it.

A few days before my 20th birthday, due to a lack of employment and therefore money, I had to move back into my parents house in Swansea. I cried the whole way back. I know it seemed horrible and ungrateful to my parents, but after leaving a city you have wanted to leave for most of your life, I'm sure you can imagine how upsetting that was to return. Little did I know that this is what I needed to get things back on track.

Going back to Fashion Accessories at Debenhams Swansea was a real driving force to get me back to London. Having no access to anything remotely cultural, anything interesting, hardly anything beautiful, inspiring, pushed me into finding any way of getting back to the city I already felt was my home.

By August, I was ready to start what I needed to do to get back here. I started applying for jobs in retail. I love retail, I always have, and focusing on jobs in luxury stores was a real interest. A career in luxury retail, I decided, was what I wanted and needed to do. I don't recall how many jobs I applied for, but it consumed any free time I had. I was offered two interviews, one for Harrods and one for House of Fraser. Interviewing for these jobs made me feel so happy because I was in London, talking to people about what I love doing.

I knew that Harrods was aiming a little high with the limited experience I had, but the feedback I received was extremely positive, and getting down from around fifty applicants to two is a great achievement and shows that I was close, but not quite hitting their mark.

House of Fraser was a different story. I was offered the job literally under an hour after my interview, and was informed I could start the following week. I had started to impress myself, even surprise myself in how I was performing in the interviews, it certainly made me feel that I had matured and grown since the disastrous interviews I'd had previously this year.

A week later on Sunday the 5th of September, one year exactly since I first moved from Swansea, I had packed up my things and I was on my way to London once again, this time I knew and am still confident that this is for good this time.

For now, I shall leave this here. The past two months have been eventful and I feel that they cannot be condensed down into this post.

For now

Dan xx

Of course.

Every time I watch a show based in Manhattan, where a plush office in a tall building is featured, with high powered, bitchy, nasty people, it makes me want to move there even more.

This may sound weird, but the pressure I always see portrayed in these programs are the kind of environments I know I will work well in. Left to my own devices, I would never get any work done. A smart and neat bitch, or a nattily dressed ruthless man, I'd love to work for either and both.

New York has a big pull on me. After my last visit, I fell in love. I love the American way of life, I love big cities and I love being in places I recognize. From nearly every spot on Manhattan, I could probably recognize something familiar, whether it be the Empire State or Chrysler Buildings, the UN headquarters, Lady Liberty or the Brooklyn Bridge. The architecture in New York is beautiful, the open spaces are gorgeous and the people are friendly. I love American food. I love cheesecake. And I love the flavours of cinnamon and peanuts, things American food would be non existent without.

I would want to go there now, to study. Due to market forces, I can not afford to go to university in America. This is why American's always make such a big deal about college funds. A year at university in America can cost over $50,000. A much greater number than the ones expected here in the UK.

So, I resign myself to at least another 4 years of Great Britain. My hope is a part time masters in America, so I can start my life out there quicker.

This written down, makes it sound like I'm running. I'm not.

Dan

I'm not that evil, right?

Am I a bad person?

I've done some pretty bad things in my short time on this dusty rock. I've done some illegal things, nasty things, wrong things. I've also done good things, and things that are neither good nor bad, like you know, sit down.

I think, deep down, I'm not a good person. I would do a lot of things to get to where I want to be in life, I won't say what I wouldn't do, it'd be a very short, disgusting list. To do such things would certainly label me a bad person, but what would that matter if I had everything I wanted. Is this why people hate the rich? They have to do bad things to get there? Maybe people resent the fact that their conscience wouldn't let them do things like that. I don't know, but I would do pretty much anything to achieve my dream life, after all, I know it would make me a very very happy man.

Some people would call me a bad person for the condition I am born with. Many people hate homosexuals. The word sounds horrible, they are still openly ridiculed on television, it's considered a bad thing for men (especially) to be gay. Being attracted to men does not make a bad person, acting on it does. This may sound weird, but I know right from wrong. Penguins, for instance, are a species where homosexuality is observed, but animals (having no conscious thought) can not tell right from wrong.

I really don't mind being a bad person. To enjoy my life, psychologically I can not be good.

Based on this, I guess I can never be good unless I completely change the way I live and reject the way I have acted previously. I don't want to, I don't think it would make me happier. I have to be who my brain tells me to be. I'd go mad otherwise. I don't want to be fixed.

I have to accept the fact that I'll never be a good person.

Dan

What the future holds.

So I decide to write a post, after neglecting to write one yesterday. I wrote the longest post to date, and just as I hit publish, blogger logs me out, and has not saved ANYTHING bar the title. Great. So, I am writing this in TextEdit, and then copy and pasting it all into blogger. I don't trust it. Not one bit. So, I think I shall start again. This will be as close to what I originally wrote as possible.


Most of the conversations I have recently seem to involve either my distant or immediate future. My life plans, my education plans, my social plans. If I'm going to talk about my future, I should do it in chronological order. So this is what I will do.

In under two weeks, the charge of the house will be under my control. I suppose this is good practice for what is coming up soon. I will, of course, not be alone for the week, as I am probably incapable of keeping myself alive, or mentally together. If left to my own devices, I'd probably be throwing rolling pins and kitchen knives at the shadows, whilst gnawing on the solid crust of a neglected granary loaf. The other side to having my friend Stephanie stay with me is that it is less likely I will get bored, and even if we do, there is plenty of gin in the house.

The next major event that is going to impose itself on my life is the end of my 8 hour contract at Debenhams Plc. Store Number 252, Swansea. By the time I leave, I will have been working there for 2 years, 10 months and 10 days. August 29th will be the last day I will work behind the jewellery counter in Swansea on a permanent contract. I have learnt a lot there in the nearly 3 years I have been there. I have made good friends and bad enemies. There are three ladies that have been there since I started that I will really miss, Janette, Horacia and Sharon. Between them they have over 40 years of experience at Debenhams Swansea, their invaluable knowledge has helped me a lot and taught me tons about the stock, the store and retail. As well as their work experience they have over 150 years of life experience between them, and they have taught me a lot whilst I've been there. From relationships to money, they've done it. I really will miss the people. I doubt I'll miss the toil.

One week and one day later I will be waking up in Swansea, and going to bed in London. From the 6th of September I will be a resident of London, England, the largest city in Western Europe. I can't believe it. There was a time that I thought I would never get out of Swansea, and before I reach the age of 20 I will be living and breathing in the centre of probably the best known city on earth. Centre of the British Empire, home town of Queen Elizabeth (officially the most famous living person), and in 7 weeks, home to me.

One week after moving in, I will be enrolling at the London College of Communication as a full time student of the University of the Arts London, the best arts university in the land. I am so excited. Soon after that I will be starting work in another Debenhams. I will be working in the Debenhams with the highest amount of sales and highest customer flow, Debenhams Oxford Street. I am more nervous about this than my course.

I don't have any more completely firm plans in my head after this point, but in my head, it does jump to the following September, and my plans start to get a bit more vague.


September 2010 will see me starting a BA(Hons) in something. I am not entirely sure what or where, but I do know I want to Interior Design or Architecture, preferably in the UAL. That is three years of my life in one subtle plan.

After this it gets very vague. I wish to move to America to have a career, I love American culture, and the money is a lot better out there. I want to move to New York or Chicago, both beautiful cities. <

In my life, I definitely want a partner. Recently, more and more, the thought of children has crossed my mind. Maybe I wouldn't hate my own children. I hate all children currently. But I do have names picked out, two names for each genders. Misery and Maudlin for girls, and Despair and Danger for boys. I did not choose the letters to be the same, it just worked out like that.If anyone who doesn't know me is reading this, you may think I am mental. This is not the case. I am just eccentric, as I am sure all my lovely friends will tell you.

I do not have many plans besides these. Well, I do have plans of what I would do if I won the lottery, but if you saw how detailed these were, I fear I may win a place in a padded cell for the foreseeable future.

Oh, I do have plans this Wednesday, I am going to see Harry Potter 6, I guess I should watch Harry Potter 5 first.

I think I will leave it here now. You've heard enough.

Stay safe.

Dan

A day later.

Fuck you, Blogger!

Thank you Atatürk.

I arrived home less than 24 hours ago. In the last 30 hours, several emotion pulling events have occurred. I have left my camera, one of my more prized possessions in Turkey. I didn't show that it affected me badly, making a joke over it helped. I am not really upset about the camera, I am very upset about the photos I have lost.

The flight home turned out to be fun. Catching the eye of the cuter, hairier flight attendant and half flirting with him. He was lovely. Would I say I fancied him? No. I would say, however, I did have fun, and it did make me feel very nice, especially since I'd just lost my beloved EOS 350D.

When I got out of the airport and logged onto facebook, this is what has caused me the most stress. A truly massive family argument involving at least 9 members of my blood relatives. How I got dragged into it, I will never know. Arriving back to a country which one can't wait to leave, to find a large amount of stress, is something only to push one away a lot sooner. I do not want to get involved and have chosen to ignore it, even though some of the things that have been said have made me extremely angry.

I was made very, very angry, probably for the time, by Tom. I am glad that I now have no reason but before I knew what the text meant, I was very angry at how stupid and thoughtless the boy had been. He's lucky that she found out the real meaning before I got hold of him.

I think all of the bad events that happened, really came out of me today when I called my sister, and couldn't hear her response. She got angry from me yelling 'Pardon?' around 3 or 4 times. I then flipped, and threw my cereal bowl into the kitchen. This frightened my sister, she doesn't see me that angry often, and what's more, I frightened myself.

I still feel emotional. Waking up alone this morning felt alien, even though I've done it since I was born.

A week in beautiful weather and in beautiful surroundings with amazing and beautiful friends was really what I needed. It went to quickly and I can't wait for it to come back. I want it to.

I don't think I will be writing about the holiday itself, but only it was wonderful and thank you to Steph, Lauren, Stef and of course the lovely Sara.

Dan

Janet Jackson

Before I start today, I am just letting who ever reads this know, that I am going away for a week, so this blog will probably be neglected for those 7 days. Okay, so that's out the way now

Touching on something I mentioned yesterday, I am going to write about Self Discipline. I have great difficulty with this. I never listen to myself, find it very hard to force myself to do anything and it annoys me.

I find myself telling myself that I'll go the bed in half an hour, which then increases in 30 minute intervals until I end up not sleeping at all some nights. The same goes with waking up, maybe 5 more minutes in bed sometimes ends up in whole hours in bed, missing college or cancelling plans. The biggest thing I tend to do this with is college work and coursework, sometimes putting it off for two months, or until a time where I can just about finish.

There's other things I do with self discipline that don't involve procrastination but rather things I should not be doing. Spending money, the way I eat, the amount of Pepsi I drink, and other such habits I find very hard to control. I wouldn't say I have an addictive personality, I am just weak willed and can not say no to myself.

Recently, I did say no to something I really wanted. I am so glad I said no, I proved to myself that I can say no, and it isn't really that hard. I spend so much time thinking about consequences of saying no, that I don't usually have time to say it, or I talk myself out of saying no, exploring what comes of me taking opportunities.

Yesterday I ignored myself, I don't know yet if this will prove a good decision or not. I bloody well hope so.

Dan