Long time, no see.

It's been a while since I posted, well over a year in fact, and indeed a lot has changed. Let me get you up to speed.

I believe I left this last summer, with me about to embark on a foundation art and design course at London College of Communication (LCC). What a bust! This course, unfortunately, just wasn't right. I don't like doing things that don't feel right.

I moved to London on Sunday the 6th September, into what appeared a grotty, old and not very well maintained student halls. The experience I had here was amazing and despite it's appearance was the best place, in my mind, to be. I don't want to cloud the main part of this post with boring/gory details about the many story lines or any unnecessary waffle about the people I met there, so I shall press ahead for now, but I may divulge later on.

From October to early December I was working at Debenhams on Oxford Street. I absolutely hated it. I have never felt more uncomfortable in work, I felt isolated and under-valued. This, I could not stand, and eventually, without looking back, I walked out.

What happened with my course, however, was a different matter. Foundation Art and Design at most institutions works in the same way, working with different disciplines, medium and technique, until you find what is right. At LCC they do things a little differently, 'because of class sizes you have to' choose a pathway at the very beginning and that's that. Fair enough, I thought, but what if I didn't like my pathway. Lo and behold, this is exactly what happened. My aim for the year, was to take enough way from the course to have a substantial portfolio and enough knowledge to ready me for a degree in Interior Decoration. The pathway was called 'Interior Design', but what they actually taught was 3D Spatial Design, and this is what the pathway eventually ended up calling itself.

Now, let my get one thing straight, I can not draw. Unfortunately, this is was a pathway relying heavily on this method of design. If I had chosen the photography pathway, I probably would have been able to not only pass the course, but probably receive a merit or distinction for my work.

I know that the last sentence makes me sound conceited, but I am good at photography, on the practical and theory side of things. I also very much enjoy photography, I just can't see a career in it. I need structure, routine and stability with a job, and unfortunately these three words do not link, or indeed have any relevance when talking about professional photographers, unless one mentions the like of Bailey, Leibovitz, Demarchelier, etc.

And so, in January of this year, I withdrew from the course. I regret not choosing photography at the beginning, but I do not regret my decision to leave. After leaving I spent the next six months, basically doing nothing. I did try to look for jobs, but nothing was pushing me to actually get one. I wasn't trying hard at all, I had three or four interviews in six months, all to no avail. Most days were spent on my own, either sitting around doing nothing or my occasional walks around different areas of London. The lack of something to do made my sleeping patterns erratic and unhealthy, spending some nights completely sleepless and the rest with probably less than four or five hours. I lost a lot of weight in this time, my mind steadily slipping away, old and scary thoughts drifting back into my head, calling me to the edge of things, the end of things, ending it. But, as ever, never showing it, my emotions, as anyone who knows will tell you, stay locked up. I do not like showing people weakness, years of being openly weak minded led to so much torment and bullying that I find it hard to talk to people about how I really feel anymore. This is probably the first time I am actually talking about how those six months of complete emptiness affected me. I love living in London, but, I actually do need to live to do it.

A few days before my 20th birthday, due to a lack of employment and therefore money, I had to move back into my parents house in Swansea. I cried the whole way back. I know it seemed horrible and ungrateful to my parents, but after leaving a city you have wanted to leave for most of your life, I'm sure you can imagine how upsetting that was to return. Little did I know that this is what I needed to get things back on track.

Going back to Fashion Accessories at Debenhams Swansea was a real driving force to get me back to London. Having no access to anything remotely cultural, anything interesting, hardly anything beautiful, inspiring, pushed me into finding any way of getting back to the city I already felt was my home.

By August, I was ready to start what I needed to do to get back here. I started applying for jobs in retail. I love retail, I always have, and focusing on jobs in luxury stores was a real interest. A career in luxury retail, I decided, was what I wanted and needed to do. I don't recall how many jobs I applied for, but it consumed any free time I had. I was offered two interviews, one for Harrods and one for House of Fraser. Interviewing for these jobs made me feel so happy because I was in London, talking to people about what I love doing.

I knew that Harrods was aiming a little high with the limited experience I had, but the feedback I received was extremely positive, and getting down from around fifty applicants to two is a great achievement and shows that I was close, but not quite hitting their mark.

House of Fraser was a different story. I was offered the job literally under an hour after my interview, and was informed I could start the following week. I had started to impress myself, even surprise myself in how I was performing in the interviews, it certainly made me feel that I had matured and grown since the disastrous interviews I'd had previously this year.

A week later on Sunday the 5th of September, one year exactly since I first moved from Swansea, I had packed up my things and I was on my way to London once again, this time I knew and am still confident that this is for good this time.

For now, I shall leave this here. The past two months have been eventful and I feel that they cannot be condensed down into this post.

For now

Dan xx